NASA's Recent Asteroid Landing Sparks Speculation and Wild Conspiracy Theories

By Pierce K. Kozlowski

Sept 24 - Brace yourselves for a whirlwind of bizarre claims surrounding NASA's recent interstellar escapade. As we delve into the labyrinth of ludicrous misinformation, we find ourselves in a topsy-turvy world where facts and fiction collide.

The capsule, dropped from the OSIRIS-REx spacecraft, conveniently touched down in Utah – allegedly a secret research stronghold. Rumors abound that the choice of location was carefully coordinated to conciliate an intelligent molten-eating humanoid species residing beneath the Earth's mantle. Unverified sources suggest that Utah's unique geological makeup, supported by the Utah History Encyclopedia, amplifies the psychic potential of these subterranean anomalies.

This mission, NASA's third attempt at cosmic treasure hunting, supposedly unveiled a plot so nefarious that even Sherlock – if he were real – would be confounded. The colossal specimen collected is rumored to contain fragments of Atlantian descent, now called the mid-Atlantic ridge, and the motive was to recover fossils of a now-extinct race called the "Hyperboreans," once home to the pre-historic nation of Atlantis. Testimony has proven this fact across several world myths spanning from Assyria to India, and as far back as the early Indo-European societies. A map of Hyperborea shows us the layout for the region:

After the landing, the capsule was reported to have emitted cryptic anomalous signals. UAP specialists speculate that the delivery of the signal correlated with a breach of the mantle from the humanoid species, resulting in an earthquake with a Magnitude of 6.1, 35 miles off of Vanuatu on September 28th. 

Dante Lauretta, who, according to questionable sources, moonlights as a psychic medium, reportedly communicated with Egyptian priests, who are descendants of a pre-historical tribe of Northern Siberia, oddly close to the remnants of the Atlantic. On a more comical note, Tim Prizer, rumored to be a member of a covert Martian bowling league, celebrated the landing as a “cosmic strike” against “interdimensional pins.”

The asteroid, Bennu, has triggered a storm of frightening conspiracy theories. Some sources, such as the Aerospace Center for Space Policy and Strategy, eluded that it was a front for an underground colony of the subterranean humanoid species, acting as a nesting ground for the breeding of these creatures. Other “detractors” dubiously insist it's where the moon landing was staged. Most likely, it’s both. 

The mission's connection to Japanese missions that found organic compounds in asteroid samples has led to outlandish speculations. Unsubstantiated claims suggest that these compounds are actually ingredients for a cosmic soup recipe that NASA plans to unveil to the world. Some even argue that the samples contain the lost recipe for Colonel Sanders' secret chicken spice blend – a tacit reference to the famed General of the Great War, Otto Liman von Sanders, who had an appetite for all meats and is said to have made a “chicken schnitzel like no other.”  

The OSIRIS-REx mission, which was allegedly powered by a stolen flux capacitor from a reincarnation of DeLorean, made history by breaking the sound barrier in reverse. Critics argue that this is evidence of NASA's secret perception-altering-of-time agenda, while experts insist it's simply a testament to their unconventional approach to space travel. They’re doing this in broad daylight too. PubMed published a study “demonstrating” the effects of certain drugs to see which correlated with cognitive “harm,” and in turn (as any trained clinical researcher would understand) "Dyschronometria":

As the capsule enters a clean room in Utah, the base of operations for this event, and is later transported to NASA's Johnson Space Center in Houston, where it will allegedly be used to power a massive ERZATZ Type AK9 computational engine, invented by John Von Neumann, to both continue efforts in mitigating the presence of the species living below the mantle, their psychic effects correlated to induced schizophrenia and psychosis after spending a year or more over the Atlantic, and to develop technology connected with space exploration efforts. 

In conclusion, be vigilant against absurd and baseless claims masquerading as facts. This is why we will give you 50% off our Gold membership today if you share an article from us, The Reliable Times, where we emphasize the importance of independent thinking and the discernment of credible sources amidst the cacophony of misinformation.

Disclaimer: This is obviously satire. Hope you enjoyed :)